So, the other day I was thinking about how I don't feel like an adult. I'm 27 years old, I've been on my own since I was 17, and I don't feel like an adult. I felt more like an adult when I was 20-22. At that time I had a full time job, bills, a live-in boyfriend and all that crap. All my friends at the time were in college, doing their crazy college years and I was working my ass off trying to make ends meet. Now, I'm doing the college thing. I've been in school for two straight years now, I spend my summers away from home. I want to go places and see things. And all my friends are married, getting married, have kids or are having kids. So I feel like a teenager, but at the same time I feel like time is running out for me in terms of finding a husband and having the family life that I crave. My clock is ticking incessantly, however my need to get out and see things and do things before I settle down has won out in the end. I also don't want to settle. I don't want to settle for something mediocre. For just any guy that comes along with a ring. Fuck that! I want spectacular!
My love life is nonexistant at the moment. I can't get laid these days to save my life! Fuck Atlantic Canada, boys are stupid. Besides the dry spell, folks back home are coming out of the woodwork. This always happens when I find myself single again. Various male friends and aquaintances start messaging, calling, wanting to get together for "coffee." Yeah, sure, coffee, that's what you're looking for. I'm nice with putting them down gently, but I really want to tell them, "Fuck off, I've known you for like 10 years, if t hasn't happened by now it ain't gonna happen!" But I'm too nice for that. Plus I like the attention, not gonna lie.
Got a random email from the American (long story) shortly after my birthday. We haven't been in touch much, but things seem to be a little better between us now. Now that I'm not pining away for the most likely gay ex-boyfriend, things between us are a little better. I have a genuine desire to stay in touch with him, but I won't lie, I still have some residual feelings for him. We'll see how the email thing goes.
The other thing on the radar is Ata Boy. He loves me, I know he does. He's really bad at hiding it. We hooked up before I came out east for the summer, before Douchebag and I had an exclusive relationship. He's very sweet, he worships the ground I walk on, he's good in the sack, he's adorable. BUT...there's always a BUT..he's got some serious mental issues. I mean serious, like he's on meds, big time meds. Collecting disability because of his mental illness. He's on anti-psychotics for Christ's sake! I don't know if I can deal with that. Plus I have enough of my own issues, I don't know that I want to complicate myself with adding another person's problems to my own. I've already told him I can't have a relationship with him when I get home. though it's pretty obvious that we'll be hooking up from time to time. It doesn't help that I actually miss him. He makes me laugh, he thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread, and fuck, it feels pretty damn good. But I KNOW it's bad for me. I KNOW. But I want it anyway, at least I want it sometimes.
My plan was, when I got home to call Goth Boy Band and set up a regular gig so I can get some on a regular basis. We dated a bit a few years ago, we're still kinda friends, he's fucking hot and he's good in bed. And, BONUS, he's totally not boyfriend material, so no chance of my falling for him, or vice versa. It would be a nice deal, if I can make it happen. If I want to make it happen, considering Ata Boy is readily available, willing, and pretty darn good.
I had a talk with G the other day about this, and she thinks that I shouldn't sleep with Ata Boy because he's in love with me and I'm not in love with him and that, apparently, is wrong. I don't think it's wrong as long as he understands that I'm not on the same page as him, which I've told him. My dilema really is, will I settle for him? Will I get entreanched in the unwavering doting affection and not go looking for something better? Or will I fall for him in the end, and will he break my heart just like the last one?
Good lord, this post is sad and depressing. I sound like a desperate chick that really needs to get laid, oh yeah, cause I am. lol.
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