Scool Prepares You For Real LIfe...Which Also Sucks

Ack! It's been a while since I last wrote. Which I feel kinda bad about, now that I have 9 followers. Nine people like reading about my life, that's astounding. I'm actually quite boring and I don't write very well, you guys sure you don't need to get your heads checked?

I've been kind of busy lately. I say kind of because it hasn't been school or work or anything like that which has kept me from blogging. I've actually had plenty of free computer time where I could've written something. I just plain didn't feel like it. Mostly because the last few weeks have been pretty happy for me. When I'm happy, I don't feel the need to write as much. So here's what I've been up to.

I've been dating. LOL. I know, I said I wouldn't date anyone for a while. Men were to be Meat Sticks and Meat Sticks only. The Universe apparently didn't like that too much and has sent me a decidedly non-Meat Stick kind of guy to spend my time with. So what happened to the Meat Sticks then? Well Ata Boy hasn't been in touch in about 2 weeks, and GothBoyBand as well. I haven't got the time or the energy to chase boys (besides I don't chase boys, boys chase ME), so meh, oh well, you don't call, I don't answer.

So who's this non-Meat Stick then, you ask? We'll call him TBear. Nice guy, known him for a while, actually went to high school with him but didn't know him back then (he was all fat and nerdy lol). He's been on the periphery of my many circles of friends. He's good friends with my GirlRoomie, stood in her wedding and stuff, but he and I never really hung out much. Except when, and here's the funny part, he would come by occasionally to drop something off to GirlRoomie and if I was home at the time, we'd end up spending hours out on the porch just talking. About life in general. The conversation was never forced, never awkward, never held any of that sexual tension or anything like that, so I just thought, "Oh, what a nice guy," without having any intention of having any naked time with him.

Until recently. He came by about two weeks ago now to drop something off and we ended up out on the porch for a good 5 hours, just talking and laughing and having a great conversation. Then he came by the next day with a new BlackBerry case for me (my old one was torn to shit and he just happens to work at the Telecommunications store). So another long conversation ensued. We both chuckled at how the time seems to disappear when we get to chatting, and I suggested that we actually schedule some time for our conversations instead of him just popping by and poof! there goes the day.

So we did. And we ended up staying up all night. And I mean ALL night, till 7am. JUST TALKING. He never made a move, and neither did I. I was trying to gauge the situation. Was he attracted to me? (Well DUH!) What was he looking for? What does this mean? *gulp*

We ended up going out on a decidedly non-date. Just pints at the pub, no biggie. Then it became a date lol. Cause I kissed him, and he kissed me back and well, that was the end of speculation on whether or not there would be naked time. There has been lots of naked time in the past two weeks (and it's AWESOME btw.) There has also been a lot of talking time, and listening time, and tickling time, and chilling time, oh and an actual date in there too. Yes, a real grown-up date with dressing up and a fancy dinner. He wore a tie, and a jacket, and freakin' cuff links. I nearly died. He opens doors, pulls out chairs, offers me things before he has them himself. We take his dog for walks around the neighbourhood (he lives a few blocks over). He doesn't embarrass me in the least, and he has told me the same. Which, in listening to each other's stories has been a problem for both of us in the past: being embarrassed by the people we're dating.

So, when's the wedding? You're probably wondering. Well, this is the weird part. We're obviously perfect for each other (did I mention he's got a university degree in History?), we're very much alike in all the good ways (he said he'd never met anyone who had as many books as he does, until me!), we're different in all the right places (he's so preppy it's adorable, I'm all alterna-goth-chick), we totally bounce off each other (he has woken up my passion for fashion, I've inspired him to pursue more courses in academia), and the sexual chemistry is off the charts!

BUT--and this is a big BUT. He says he's not interested in being a "boyfriend." And at the same time, he wants our relationship to be monogamous. HUH? Basically you want all of the privileges of being my boyfriend without actually being my boyfriend. I find that kind of weird, and a little frustrating. Now I didn't want a boyfriend to begin with. Not until I started spending time with him. Now, I have no problems with someone not wanting to be my boyfriend, that's fine, really. But not being my boyfriend and then telling me I can't go play with the other boys in the schoolyard? That's F--ed up in my mind. It doesn't make much sense to me. He went on to explain that he just doesn't want the "expectations" that come with the "label." Un-huh...what expectations? I'm not sending out wedding invitations here buddy...I'm possibly going to the middle east in the spring and then possibly Scotland after that...not looking for a big commitment here. Anyhow, he talked about the "expectations" he's had to live up to with previous girlfriends and blah blah blah. I'm not those girls, and I tried to explain that. But he's not going to "get" it until he sees it for himself, I can totally see that. That whole conversation arrived at an impasse.

So I don't have a boyfriend, I have a TBear non-Meat Stick, and I'm not sleeping with anyone else.

Perceptions

"The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend."
~Henri Bergson

Had an interesting night last night. Went out for my "Welcome Home" party at the bar I frequent. Ata Boy was there, of course, cause he's always there. GothBoyBand was also there, cause well, he's usually there on a Saturday night as well.

GothBoyBand and I used to date, like 4 years ago. And I mean actually "date." Like he would pick me up, we would go out for a meal and some kind of entertainment then go back to my place and well you know. He was never my boyfriend, I knew better lol. He's not boyfriend material, never has been/will ever be. Case in point: He dumped me for a stripper. Not even really dumped, cause we weren't "together", he just stopped calling, and I knew why. It was fine, I had other prospects, and though it still stung a bit (of course, it always does), it was no biggie. I knew he was just being who he was and that's fine. But it was a little odd considering who I am, how I am, and that we had a good time together. His friends were...less than impressed. Which is always a good sign that you're doing something fucked up right? They hated her. They liked me lol. Simple as that.

But I digress...I just wanted to give you some background. So I haven't tapped that for about 4 years, haven't even really stayed in touch much. Just the usual "Hi, how are you?" at the bar. And that was fine, I didn't have much interest in going back there since I was all in relationship mode and whatnot. Now that I'm not however, different story.

So, I dragged him home and well, you know lol. And it was great. Even slightly improved from my memory. Improvements are always a good thing. Conversations insued afterwards. Odd conversations, but that's my fault.

I'm very curious, and I have a need to understand things, and people. We were talking and I started asking him questions, kinda deep questions, the kind of questions that delv deep into someone's character and help you to understand them as a person. Maybe I shouldn't be asking these questions of someone I would consider just a FB, but nonetheless I was asking, and he was answering.

Until at one point, he contemplated his words way too long. I asked him what the hold up was and he said that was afraid his answers may change my perception of him. Now, he doesn't have a clue how I perceive him, at least, I don't think he does, or else he wouldn't be concerned with my perception of him. I offered to tell him exactly how I perceived him to be, he declined. How typical. Anyhow, I eventually asked how he perceived me, because well, I'm curious like that. I had to rephrase the question a bit to get him to come up with an answer:

"If you had to decribe me to your best friend, what would you say?"

I got an interesting response. He elaborated.

I was a bit taken aback actually. Not because his perception was negative, but because it was pretty bang on. Not totally, that's impossible, but wow, ya I didn't expect that.

That in itself has changed my perception of him somewhat. I think I need to give him a little more credit, and not dismiss him as just a piece of meat.

He's still a bit cocky for my liking, and he's still not boyfriend material. But I have no problems perceiving him without his clothes on for the next little while and possibly showing him how right his perception of me really is.

Addendum: While proof-reading this I got the oddest sense of Deja-vu. Like I've written this before...but I know I haven't. Maybe I just need to stop going back to guys I've had in the past...even if they are amazing in bed.

Sex, Love and Rock 'n Roll

I've been having this ongoing conversation with G over the course of the summer. About sex, and love and how they are two different things. To me anyway.

G is the kind of girl who needs both of them at the same time. I'm the kind of girl who likes having them both at the same time, but let's be frank, sometimes you just need the sex and who gives a crap about that silly love stuff.

Sex can be awesome all on its own. Pure, amazing, no strings attached, earth shattering orgasmic sex--this is something I need on a regular basis. Its primal, that's the only way I can explain it. It's instinct, it is a need, not a want. I start to go a little batty if I don't get any for a while--and that's not fun for anyone, especially since I have no qualms about complaining about it--to everyone.

And then there's love--ah love. I love being in love. The excitement, the constant nervous energy I seem to have when it happens, the flirting, the cute things you do for each other, the confidence it brings--that knowledge that no matter what, there's at least one person that loves you and as far as they're concerned, the sun shines out of your ass.

And when you combine love and great sex, it's awesome, it's amazing, it's the best thing in the world. But sometimes, unfortunately, you don't get both at the same time. And I've learned to deal with that.

G can't deal with that. She's going batty. I feel for her. But she is the way she is and I wouldn't change her for the world, I love her for her goodness.

The unfortunate part about me and my penchant for sex is that I have to be constantly careful about getting a reputation. Our society has no problems slapping labels on girls who like sex. Slut, Whore, Tramp, Strumpet (I actually like that one), Tart (being a baker, I think that one's just cute) and various other degrading terms are thrown at anyone with the good sense to go out and get what they need and want.

I've never understood why a girl is a slut when she sleeps with alot of guys and a guy is a stud when he sleeps with a lot of girls. I think its retarded. And since I don't want to have to defend myself to the whole resort (or the world in general), I have to keep my exploits on the down-low. Which sucks sometimes (such as now) when I really want to brag about the hot piece I got the other night and how freakin' amazing it was and how I'm pretty sure I'm going to be getting it for the next two weeks until I go home. Yeah, I want to brag, but then I'll be a "slut." It doesn't matter that I've only had sex with 3 people over the last 4 months, one being the Douchebag, two being a random one nighter (wasn't that great, but it kept me sane), and three being the latest amazing night--need a nickname for this guy but can't think of anything but SexGod at the moment, and that's kinda cheezy.

So despite that I'm obviously not a slut, if I brag about my conquest then I will be labelled one. Heck, people might start to notice that I haven't been complaining about not getting laid these last few days and put it together. Not to mention the walk of shame the other morning--I hate that term too, walk of shame, as if having sex is shameful, seriously people grow up. I am now renaming the walk of shame to...oh fuck now I have to come up with something clever. SHIT! I should've thought this through better lol. Oh well it will come to me.

*sigh* I now have to go break up the toga party so I can go to sleep. Working with Snarky tomorrow at 6am, oh joy.

Addendum: Toga idiots were setting off fireworks when I went outside. Near people's cars, and 100 year old buildings. It also hasn't rained in 2 weeks. Smart people in the hotel industry eh? Evil bitchy side hopes Neanderthal blows off his freakin hand, maybe then he'll shut the F up and I can get some sleep.

Ask And Ye Shall Receive

Woot! That's right, finally got some at last! And from a MAN, a real MAN. And wow, it was amazing. I won't go into details though lol. Thanks Universe!

That is all.

Random Sporatic Thought Process

Ok, so I haven't quite figured out how to make my blog posts all about one subject. There's too much stuff going on in my head at the moment to make things clear and conscise. Oh well, here I go anyway.

So, the other day I was thinking about how I don't feel like an adult. I'm 27 years old, I've been on my own since I was 17, and I don't feel like an adult. I felt more like an adult when I was 20-22. At that time I had a full time job, bills, a live-in boyfriend and all that crap. All my friends at the time were in college, doing their crazy college years and I was working my ass off trying to make ends meet. Now, I'm doing the college thing. I've been in school for two straight years now, I spend my summers away from home. I want to go places and see things. And all my friends are married, getting married, have kids or are having kids. So I feel like a teenager, but at the same time I feel like time is running out for me in terms of finding a husband and having the family life that I crave. My clock is ticking incessantly, however my need to get out and see things and do things before I settle down has won out in the end. I also don't want to settle. I don't want to settle for something mediocre. For just any guy that comes along with a ring. Fuck that! I want spectacular!

My love life is nonexistant at the moment. I can't get laid these days to save my life! Fuck Atlantic Canada, boys are stupid. Besides the dry spell, folks back home are coming out of the woodwork. This always happens when I find myself single again. Various male friends and aquaintances start messaging, calling, wanting to get together for "coffee." Yeah, sure, coffee, that's what you're looking for. I'm nice with putting them down gently, but I really want to tell them, "Fuck off, I've known you for like 10 years, if t hasn't happened by now it ain't gonna happen!" But I'm too nice for that. Plus I like the attention, not gonna lie.

Got a random email from the American (long story) shortly after my birthday. We haven't been in touch much, but things seem to be a little better between us now. Now that I'm not pining away for the most likely gay ex-boyfriend, things between us are a little better. I have a genuine desire to stay in touch with him, but I won't lie, I still have some residual feelings for him. We'll see how the email thing goes.

The other thing on the radar is Ata Boy. He loves me, I know he does. He's really bad at hiding it. We hooked up before I came out east for the summer, before Douchebag and I had an exclusive relationship. He's very sweet, he worships the ground I walk on, he's good in the sack, he's adorable. BUT...there's always a BUT..he's got some serious mental issues. I mean serious, like he's on meds, big time meds. Collecting disability because of his mental illness. He's on anti-psychotics for Christ's sake! I don't know if I can deal with that. Plus I have enough of my own issues, I don't know that I want to complicate myself with adding another person's problems to my own. I've already told him I can't have a relationship with him when I get home. though it's pretty obvious that we'll be hooking up from time to time. It doesn't help that I actually miss him. He makes me laugh, he thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread, and fuck, it feels pretty damn good. But I KNOW it's bad for me. I KNOW. But I want it anyway, at least I want it sometimes.

My plan was, when I got home to call Goth Boy Band and set up a regular gig so I can get some on a regular basis. We dated a bit a few years ago, we're still kinda friends, he's fucking hot and he's good in bed. And, BONUS, he's totally not boyfriend material, so no chance of my falling for him, or vice versa. It would be a nice deal, if I can make it happen. If I want to make it happen, considering Ata Boy is readily available, willing, and pretty darn good.

I had a talk with G the other day about this, and she thinks that I shouldn't sleep with Ata Boy because he's in love with me and I'm not in love with him and that, apparently, is wrong. I don't think it's wrong as long as he understands that I'm not on the same page as him, which I've told him. My dilema really is, will I settle for him? Will I get entreanched in the unwavering doting affection and not go looking for something better? Or will I fall for him in the end, and will he break my heart just like the last one?

Good lord, this post is sad and depressing. I sound like a desperate chick that really needs to get laid, oh yeah, cause I am. lol.