This is not Burger King. You cannot have it "Your Way"

Being a cook for a living (aspiring chef actually) presents many unique challenges. The one I hate the most is what I call the Burger King phenomenon.

There is a delicate balance that we in the hospitality industry have to strike between giving the guest (or customer) what they want while maintaining our own policies and profits. So we find ourselves bending over and taking it from just about everyone in the name of customer service and guest satisfaction...provided it doesn't smash the bottom line to smitherines.

The Burger King phenomenon is just one example of how we take it up the ass.

As a cook I get to deal with all sorts of dietary issues. Allergies, vegetarians, vegans *cringe*, celiac, lactose intolerance, kosher, no dairy, no salt, no fat...no flavour! For the most part, when it comes to things like allergies and celiacs (gluten-free), I'm very accomodating. I understand that if you have an almond your throat will close up and someone will have to find your trusty Epi-pen. I understand that if there is gluten in your meal that you will have very painful gastro-intestinal problems for the next few days. I try my best, really, to make sure that you get food that doesn't kill you.

What kills me, however, is the increasing amount of people who simply don't like something so they'll say they're allergic to it in order to not receive it in your meal. Frankly, that's insulting. If you don't want tomatoes, just say, "No tomatoes please," and I won't make it with tomatoes, you don't have to say you're deathly allergic to tomatoes so you simply can't have them in your salad and then turn around and order a Caesar. It blows my mind, really.

And when you are actually allergic to something, you might want to inform the waitress of that allergy BEFORE you order your meal, not while it's being prepared thereby sending the kitchen into a frenzy trying to remember if there's any nuts in that pesto, or gluten in that sauce, or onions in the gravy.

While I have no problems making a Cobb Salad with feta instead of blue cheese, or no bacon on your Caesar salad, or add chicken to whatever, I do have a problem with you picking and choosing the ingredients and dressings that we have on hand to create your own personal Super Salad. The restaurant I work at has a total of 8 different salads to choose from. EIGHT. One of those has got to be at least close to perfect for you. Choose one of them....with no onions, or no croutons, or whatever. But DO NOT choose the lettuce from salad #1, with the dressing from salad #3, three ingredients from salad #2, and the meat from salad #8. This is not a salad bar, this is an "a la carte" restauant, which means that there is a menu and you order from that menu.

And for the record...if you take out the bacon, blue cheese and hard-boiled egg from a Cobb salad, it's not a Cobb salad anymore--it's just lettuce with chicken and croutons on it--not even a real salad!

Worst salad order ever-----> lettuce (not specified, asked and found out they wanted romaine), carrots (which are not in any of our salads and therefore not prepped), mushrooms (again, not in any of our salads and therefore not prepped), and bacon with an oil and vinegar dressing. (Because apparently the 8 different made-in-house dressings are simply not as tasty as veg oil and white vinegar.....even the house dressing of olive oil and balsamic wasn't good enough.) I therefore had to make an oil and vinegar dressing, peel and shred carrots, wash and cut mushrooms all cause of this fucktard who decided he was eating at Burger King and could have it his way. We charged him $10 for it.

The best food order I ever got, that nearly made me lose it. The chit said "Quesadilla, BBQ Chicken Sand." Easy enough right? Wrong. The waitress comes 'round to talk to me about it.
So these people want....and I'm not kidding, this actually happened...what goes in our Chicken Panini (Chicken, Pesto, Roasted Red Pepper, Mozza Cheese) but in a quesadilla. And what goes in the BBQ Chicken Sandwich, (Chicken, Cheddar, BBQ Sauce, Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato) but in a Panini.

I looked that waitress straight in the eye and told her, "This is not BURGER KING!"

But then I had to make it anyway because apparently we did it for them the last time they were there. (Anyone who is a waitress out there please take note---> do not ever do special requests like this EVER because they will expect it the next time they come in, and then every other time after that. No special requests EVER!!!)

Bottom line: Do not expect to have it "your way" unless you're actually at Burger King, because while us cooks (slaving away for minimum wage in a hot kitchen for 10-12hrs a day) have no problems omitting the tomatoes from your sandwich, or putting extra bacon on your burger, or ensuring no nuts get into your food, we do kind of expect you to order FROM THE MENU.

If you want to create your own food, feel free to stay the fuck home and make it yourself.

Saturday: Kitchen Confidential

I realized after I had already posted my catching up post that the last time I wrote about work I was still at the Italian Job. I have moved on to the Pub. It pays me less but I get more hours, an apprenticeship and I'm doing the kind of food that I'm really passionate about.

So I've been at the Pub for about 2 months now and I have a really interesting crew to work with.

Here's the cast:

Chef
Big guy, not mean, not nice, somewhere in the middle. Haven't quite figured him out yet. Has been spending alot of time modifying Xmas songs to tell the story of how our dishwasher is a fag. Doesn't mind a good fart joke, or a Jew joke (waitresses keep asking for more "Jews" {Jus}, I tell them sorry it's still in the oven.) Takes us out for Chinese every now and then and makes fun of my MSG intolerance.

FowWow
The sous chef. A 21 year old upstart who I went to culinary school with. I graduated almost top of my class...he didn't finish. Funny how life works out. He's good in the kitchen though. Slams back RedBull's like they're mother's milk. Thin as a rail, kinda squirlly, likes to joke around alot and give the dishwasher towel snaps. Works waaaaaay too much, calls me "Mom" when I point this out and ask if he's eaten anything yet today.

Junior
The other chick in the kitch. Also 21, good worker. Currently in culinary school. Also works part time at a bakery that's dairy and gluten free (where's the fun in that?). Is never on time but works hard when she's there. Is supposed to be next in line for FowWow's job (he's leaving in the summer) but I dunno, if she keeps coming in late Chef might reconsider. Is usually quiet but gets some real zingers in every now and again. I got her back for sure.

J-Bitch
#1 dishwasher. Tall, scrawny, just turned 20 this past weekend. Will do any bitch job assigned to him without much belly aching. Including lugging potatoes up from the basement, peeling them, cutting fries, peeling onions, cleaning the vent hoods, taking out the garbage etc. Works about as much as FowWow does and drinks just as many RedBulls. Likes to bet on things, usually stupid shit, the wager is usually a RedBull. Gets towel whipped by FowWow on an hourly basis.

Deeds
The morning guy. Think I've met him once. Always leaves his station a mess when he leaves.

Hut
Dishwasher #2, part time guy. Actually came from the Italian Job. Ok kid, like 18, big dumb football type. Doesn't like having to do bitch prep in addition to the dishes. Waaaay too quiet. That'll get him in trouble later.

Pedro
Hut's older other, dishwasher #3, also came from the Italian Job. Sucks ass at his job. Complains about everything, especially having to do any food prep. Is also slow as hell doing the dishes. Don't think he'll last long, to be honest.

T-Bag
Waitress that is nice as pie but unfortunately looks like a crack whore most of the time. Is actually pretty good at her job.

The Limey
Waiter, dude from England. Nice guy, but *shudder* a vegan.

Big-V
The Limey's girlfriend, a waitress (not a very good one), and an even bigger vegan, with big hair.

DMan
One of the owners and FOH manager. So far pretty much been a prick most of the time. Pretty certain he's got it out for me, he always has something to gripe about.

Special K
The other owner. Seems like a decent guy, stays out of the way mostly. Much nicer than DMan.

AllStar
Waiter, awesome guy. Needs to not order staff meals at 10min to close though. Could've strangled him.

HollyPop
Most awesome waitress ever. So good with everything!

HiDHo
Another awesome waitress, who barely gets any shifts though!

DannyBoy
Crappy bleached-blond bartender.

Gruyere
Awesome bartender, DJ and music writer that I've known for years.

St. Kitts
Every pub has that one awesome old dude that knows everyone, what they drink, and how much of it they want. That is St. Kitts. This guy is the definition of hospitality.

SmallFry
This little teenager who's been helping dishwash/bus/barback on the busy nights. Such a cutie, puts up with everyone's crap.

There are various other members of the "chorus", just haven't got nicknames for them quiet yet. They'll pop up eventually...if they prove to be of any interest.

Oh...I have a nickname too...and no...I didn't get to pick mine either.

Since I have such awesome curly red hair, freckles, and alabaster skin, I have been dubbed K-Dawg...cause I'm so gangsta...watch yo back yo. (wtf were they thinking?)